I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
