My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
