dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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