can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
