I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize