so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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