the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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