I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
