Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize