so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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