hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
