you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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