just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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