I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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