taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
