Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
