I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
