I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
