we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
