He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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