What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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