I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it was like eating out sand paper
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
