Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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