My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
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