I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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