I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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