new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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