I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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