It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
