WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
