well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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