as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
