We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
