dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
