mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I smell stomach acid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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