just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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