She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize