you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
