I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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