Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize