He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize