Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
