She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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