She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
