We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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