just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
