I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
