Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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