i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
