Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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