Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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