I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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