I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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