I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
