and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
